HOW TO CRASH A WEDDING

BY SANDY FRANCIS

  I’m looking down from a window of our hotel room. A beautiful lawn has been prepared for a large wedding. The white chairs are all set up for the guests to see both the ceremony and the blue Pacific. The Chupa is covered with tons of flowers which will all be dead before the next morning. The weather is magical; the ocean breeze is gentle and seven hunky dark tuxedoed groomsmen, are standing near where the ceremony will take place. With them stands seven very pretty bridesmaids, dressed in matching pink gowns. Each wears the same hair-do.    Each girl is blonde. I assume the bride has no brunette friends.

From my balcony, I can easily watch the entire event. As I watched the guests file to their seats, and the bridal party awaiting the music to begin, I had a super crazy thought. What if I put on a nice dress, fix my make-up, and crash the wedding? But there’s a problem—my shoes! I only have my flip-flops and I definitely couldn’t go to a wedding in flip-flops. But then, why not? It looked like over 200 people were there, no one knows me and they could care less about my shoes. Now I’m totally consumed with should I or shouldn’t I go downstairs and go for it. Knowing me, I would have no trouble pulling it off.    

I just need to review the rules:

1.      Walk in smiling, wave to someone…anyone.  Talk to no one, if you can help it.   Give the impression you’re one of the guests.

 2.     If Champagne is being served prior to the ceremony, take it.  Then sit down.

 3.     Should people ask if you’re a friend of the bride or the groom, toss the question quickly back to them.  If they say the bride, your answer must be you’re the groom’s friend.  

 4.     If they say they’ve never met the groom, your reply is you’ve never met the bride.  (So far, you’re safe).

 5.     If you’re asked what table you’re sitting at for dinner, feign looking for the card, saying you’ve misplaced it. Then make your get away, as if you need to find it.

 6.     Never, under any circumstance, reveal your true name. 

 7.     If you’re pushed into having to reveal where you’re from, fake a few sneezes and confess you’re coming down with a strep infection.  (They won’t be questioning you again.)

 8.     When the ceremony is over, have another Champagne and get the hell out of there.

 9.     On second thought, forget number 8.  If you’ve gotten this far without being discovered, what the hell... mingle your way through the buffet stations and enjoy. 

 10.  No matter how inebriated, don’t get cute and try to catch the bouquet!

So, what do you think?  Did I crash it or not?